February 8, 2006: So let me get this straight. A Danish cartoon was drawn that caricatured the prophet Mohammed in a bomb-shaped turban, with a lit fuse. (I’m assuming this is the artist’s way of implying that Mohammed is being exploited by extremist Muslims as an excuse to commit violence.) Insulted by this, the Muslim world has chosen to prove the artist wrong and to defend their prophet by using: VIOLENCE! Sounds like the artist was on to something.

Now, the Muslim world is no stranger to using violence as a protest against an artist. Twenty or so years ago Muslims put a death threat out against author Salman Rushdie for allegedly blaspheming Islam in the book, "Satanic Verses." Now, I never read Satanic Verses, (that was twenty years ago and before "Hooked on Phonics" was able to help me out of a rut.), but I’m assuming what Rushdie wrote was of a serious nature because they wanted him DEAD! But this thing about the cartoons? C’mon!

Folks, we have been making fun of religion for a long, long time. And as a friend of people of many faiths, including Mormons, Catholics, and, yes, Jews, who are no strangers to the jokes, both hateful and satirical, I have to take this moment to say, in earnest, to my Muslim friends...

Jews have been taking the jokes for a long time. Mormons are certainly no strangers to the jokes. Catholics have been hit hard in recent years with a child-molestation scandal that doesn’t seem to ever go away, which has resulted in more jokes than the Muslim world has seen in two millennia; LOTS OF JOKES; well deserved I might add. Has this shaken the faith of the more than a billion Catholics around the world? Has this diminished the importance of the church to them? Has this blurred the line that binds the The Father, The Son and the Holy Spirit? No! The Catholic Church is too proud and too strong to let that happen. They go into P.R. mode to defend the sanctity of the church and play down the notion that they molest children. They use the media. They pay off the accusers. And most recently, they came up with this brilliant idea: they had the Vatican prepare hymns and signed who to sing them? Michael Jackson. Yes, Michael Jackson. Because when you’re trying to change your tainted image, hire as representative the most famous person in the world who represents that tainted image. I mean even in the country of Tonga, where they’ve never even heard of the Virgin Mary, they know that Michael Jackson diddles young boys.

Don’t you get it my Muslim friends? Fighting the perception that your religion condones violence by causing more violence is so…Catholic. And if you’re going to do that, why not do it with something that might be a little bit more palatable? Public Relations. Hire a pop star to sing some prayers! And since Michael Jackson is previously engaged, how about somebody else? Brittany Spears, who drives with her four year-old on her lap while racing away from the Paparazzi, since she, too, demonstrates her lack of concern for the welfare of the innocent, she’d be perfect. Or how about Ashlee Simpson? She might be a swell choice since she doesn’t seem to know what she’s singing anyway. Or maybe you would want somebody who represents the essence of the image you’ve created for yourself, what with the kidnappings, killings, how about 50 Cent, or the Notorious B.I.G.—well he’s dead. But you get the point. Want to really reel them in? Marylin Manson. There’s a pop idol that represents all that is good in the world. Sign him to sing your prayers of hope, faith and death to infidels.

You’ve gone way overboard with your protesting a Danish Cartoon that depicts the people of the prophet as violent by using violence as means to defend the prophet. And there’s no sign of letting up. The leader of Hezbollah, Sheik Hassan Nasrallah, said that they will continue these protests, that have killed and injured many people, until the European Union passes a law forbidding cartoons that insult the prophet. Fat chance! So I’m assuming this means we should expect more violence from the people of the non-violent prophet. All I have to say is: Is there no end? And does this mean that Salman Rushdie is finally off the hook?