February 8, 2006: So
let me get this straight. A Danish cartoon was drawn that caricatured the
prophet Mohammed in a bomb-shaped turban, with a lit fuse. (I’m assuming
this is the artist’s way of implying that Mohammed is being exploited
by extremist Muslims as an excuse to commit violence.) Insulted by this,
the Muslim world has chosen to prove the artist wrong and to defend their
prophet by using: VIOLENCE! Sounds like the artist was on to something.
Now, the Muslim world is no stranger to using violence as a protest against an
artist. Twenty or so years ago Muslims put a death threat out against author
Salman Rushdie for allegedly blaspheming Islam in the book, "Satanic
Verses." Now, I never read Satanic Verses, (that was twenty years
ago and before "Hooked on Phonics" was able to help me out of a rut.),
but I’m assuming what Rushdie wrote was of a serious nature because
they wanted him DEAD! But this thing about the cartoons? C’mon!
Folks, we have been making fun of religion for a long, long time. And as a friend
of people of many faiths, including Mormons, Catholics, and, yes, Jews,
who are no strangers to the jokes, both hateful and satirical, I have to
take this moment to say, in earnest, to my Muslim friends...
Shut the fuck up! Get over it. It’s a
cartoon. Welcome to the real world where nothing is really sacred,
whether or not you truly believe it is.
Jews have been taking the jokes for a long time. Mormons are certainly no strangers
to the jokes. Catholics have been hit hard in recent years with a child-molestation
scandal that doesn’t seem to ever go away, which has resulted in more
jokes than the Muslim world has seen in two millennia; LOTS OF JOKES; well
deserved I might add. Has this shaken the faith of the more than a billion
Catholics around the world? Has this diminished the importance of the church
to them? Has this blurred the line that binds the The Father, The Son and
the Holy Spirit? No! The Catholic Church is too proud and too strong to
let that happen. They go into P.R. mode to defend the sanctity of the church
and play down the notion that they molest children. They use the media.
They pay off the accusers. And most recently, they came up with this brilliant
idea: they had the Vatican prepare hymns and signed who to sing them? Michael
Jackson. Yes, Michael Jackson. Because when you’re trying to change
your tainted image, hire as representative the most famous person in the
world who represents that tainted image. I mean even in the country of Tonga,
where they’ve never even heard of the Virgin Mary, they know that
Michael Jackson diddles young boys.
Don’t you get it my Muslim friends? Fighting the perception that your religion
condones violence by causing more violence is so…Catholic. And if
you’re going to do that, why not do it with something that might be
a little bit more palatable? Public Relations. Hire a pop star to sing some
prayers! And since Michael Jackson is previously engaged, how about somebody
else? Brittany Spears, who drives with her four year-old on her lap while
racing away from the Paparazzi, since she, too, demonstrates her lack of
concern for the welfare of the innocent, she’d be perfect. Or how
about Ashlee Simpson? She might be a swell choice since she doesn’t
seem to know what she’s singing anyway. Or maybe you would want somebody
who represents the essence of the image you’ve created for yourself,
what with the kidnappings, killings, how about 50 Cent, or the Notorious
B.I.G.—well he’s dead. But you get the point. Want to really
reel them in? Marylin Manson. There’s a pop idol that represents all
that is good in the world. Sign him to sing your prayers of hope, faith
and death to infidels.
You’ve gone way overboard with your protesting a Danish Cartoon that depicts the
people of the prophet as violent by using violence as means to defend the
prophet. And there’s no sign of letting up. The leader of Hezbollah,
Sheik Hassan Nasrallah, said that they will continue these protests, that
have killed and injured many people, until the European Union passes a law
forbidding cartoons that insult the prophet. Fat chance! So I’m assuming
this means we should expect more violence from the people of the non-violent
prophet. All I have to say is: Is there no end? And does this mean that
Salman Rushdie is finally off the hook?